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POKEMON GO HAILED A ‘MIRACLE’ AS CHURCH ATTENDANCES UP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN DECADES

Church leaders around the world are calling Pokemon Go a ‘work of God’ as attendances have spiked in the month since Pokemon Go was released.

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Church leaders around the world are calling Pokemon Go a ‘work of God’ as attendances have spiked in the month since the popular mobile game was released.  This represents a sharp turnaround in numbers for many denominations whose reputations had been tarnished by on-going sex scandals, advancements in science, their support for the patriarchy and a collective penchant for bad comb-overs.

Having already lost many older people to other more interesting pursuits such as lawn bowls, bridge and dying, many churches were looking at ways to attract youth to their congregations. And it seems Pokemon Go has struck a chord. Although initially seen as a tool of Satan for advocating evolution, church leaders soon changed their tune once they realised its potential for fresh audiences.

One new convert, George Jones, 15 from Ashfield described the new experience: “I was just sitting there while some old man who looked like Gandalf was saying something about how Jesus died for my sins.  I wasn’t really paying attention – I assume Jesus must be some super-rare pokemon? I mean I was just trying to capture the Charizard on the altar. It was kinda cool.”

Harriet Spencer 17 from Manly Vale added: “We’re being told that Jesus died for us so that we could live and all that, but it would have been really great if he could have died so my phone could live.  When I’m playing Pokemon Go the battery on that thing keeps dying after about like 4 minutes – I mean that’s less time than 3 out of my 5 boyfriends last in bed!”

Many have been critical that the churches are turning a blind eye to Pokemon Go in order to drive an increase in popularity. Another recent Church attendee, Richard Astley denies the Church is oblivious:  “Inside we both know what’s been going on. We know the game and we’re gonna play it.”

There are others who are not so happy with Pokemon Go.  One group of 78 Pokemon Go players recently attended a gym located in a mosque in Auburn and were consequently added to the terrorist watchlist.

In addition, news reports out of the United States indicated that a group of armed robbers had used the game to lure victims to an isolated trap.  Later, the armed robbers accidentally turned themselves in after trying to capture a Venusaur at the local police station.

Worryingly, security agencies around the world have struggled to keep up with all the change.  One source (speaking to us on condition of anonymity) stated: “it’s hard to track everyone now that they are moving around.  It was a whole lot easier when we could just spy on emails and use the internet metadata collected by the federal government. We determined the vast majority of people were at home either looking up porn or illegally downloading the latest episodes of The Bachelor.” The source added: “fucked if I’m going to try to look at the GPS data from phones. The last pizza I ordered on Delivery Hero ended up in Kyrgyzstan.”

CLIMATE SCIENTISTS UPGRADE HOPE FOR HUMANITY TO ‘IMPROBABLE’ AS NEW EARTH-LIKE PLANET FOUND

Artist's impression of the planet orbiting Proxima Centauri

 

Scientists have discovered a potentially Earth-like planet orbiting the nearest star, Proxima Centauri, at a relatively neighbourly 4.2 light years away from our solar system. “Proxima b” as the planet is called is 1.3 times the mass of Earth and orbits inside the so-called habitable “Goldilocks zone” where liquid water could theoretically exist on the surface.

This discovery put climate scientists in a difficult position who up until this point had said there was no “Planet B.” The climate scientists have now conceded that there is the tiniest mathematical possibility that humanity will be able to survive the imminent catastrophic effects of climate change.  They subsequently upgraded their hope for humanity from ‘unlikely’ to ‘improbable’ noting that it would still take tens of thousands of years for a human to get to Proxima B with modern technology.

Malcolm Turnbull was upbeat on hearing the news “I’ve already given up on Earth – so it’s about time we found a new one!” before going on to comment that “this new discovery again really illustrates why scientists aren’t to be trusted. Yesterday they were saying there was no Planet B, now there is a Planet B! How can we believe scientists when they can’t even make up their mind?”

Josh Frydenberg, the newly appointed Minister for the Environment and Energy and whose only climate science experience thus far has been playing through the entire series of Civilization, was less than impressed saying “I’ve launched a spaceship to Alpha Centauri before, so Proxima Centauri is a piece of cake!”

Though some have indicated that this discovery of a second earth-like planet might not actually buy humanity much time at all “According to our models, if we ever figure out a way to get there, we give it 50 years before we destroy the environment of Proxima b too”, one climate scientist said.

BAIRD ‘OVERJOYED’ NOW HE CAN USE DISABLED PARKING SPOT AT STAR CASINO

casino mikeCasino Mike Baird, the premier of NSW who recently broke a vertebra in his back, has spoken publicly for the first time since the incident: “I’m overjoyed! I am now legitimately able to park in the disabled spots at Star Casino!”

Baird revealed that he had in fact issued himself with a disabled parking permit when he entered office in order to “drive and park anywhere he wants – like Hillsong” and to “avoid public transport – that shit is underfunded and overcrowded!” He added, “whenever people were angry that I was using a disabled parking spot, I figured I could just prove I was intellectually handicapped by doing something stupid – like introducing 1:30am lockouts in the Cross.” Mike stated it was “great to be able to use the permit legitimately for easy-access gambling!”

Mike spoke at length of how happy he was to be able to access his beloved Star casino without the long walk from the car park: “it’s great timing, we have projected a surplus for the 2016-17 NSW state budget of $1.3 billion. But I’ve had a few losses on the pokies so we’re currently down $2.7 billion. Time to hit the roulette – gonna put a lazy billion on black tonight!”

Although Baird has publicly claimed to have merely been fetching a glass of water in his socks late at night, many suggest this story lacks credibility. Sources close to the Premier have stated that he actually broke his back while aggressively moshing to Christian rock band ‘Creed.’ Baird, who was recently spotted buying a blank CD from JB HiFi entitled “Creed’s Greatest Hits” is the president and sole member of the band’s fan club.  It is now believed he was hosting a weekly meeting of the fan club at his house when the incident occurred.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GROUP OF REPUBLICAN SUPPORTERS MISTAKE STATUE FOR THE REAL DONALD TRUMP

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A small crowd of Republican supporters had gathered in Los Angeles after hearing that Donald Trump was to make a spontaneous appearance. Many were excitedly expecting an impromptu speech by Trump but were surprised at how happy he was to listen to the audience as they aired their grievances and explained their views.

Initially the crowd had been quite pleased with what they observed, “Donald seems to be a bit more attentive than usual – he’s listening very carefully. This must be what he’s really like in person!” one Republican named Margaret said.

Another fellow supporter named Nancy, noting that he seems quite a bit smarter when he isn’t saying anything, commented “this shows Donald can be intelligent when he wants to be! I think he’s just playing us for fools.”

Suspicions were aroused that the statue wasn’t in fact the real Donald when the statue failed to make any statements relating to Muslims, Obama forming ISIS, or Mexicans.

“He must be saving up a good one. It’s been like two minutes – he’s usually up to his fourth racist comment by now!” Nancy said.

Unfortunately for the crowd the racist comment never came.

“Ridiculous! I didn’t stand around for five minutes to not listen to any of his crap!” Margaret said, storming off and taking many of the angry supporters with her.

RECORDINGS RECOVERED FROM DEVICE FOUND IN ALL BLACKS TEAM HOTEL

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It is understood a sophisticated electronic device was found in the All Blacks’ team room at their Sydney hotel ahead of the Bledisloe Cup opener on Saturday.

Police say they have recovered recordings from the electronic device and a crack team of Australian cryptographers have spent much of the previous 72 hours deciphering its contents. The recovered audio they believe was spoken in Kiwi – a cryptic form of English.

The cryptographers now understand, in part, that the recordings were from a group of “min” referring to each other as “bro” who had arrived earlier on a “Ear New Zulland sivven sex sivven earplane” at “tin past sex” but had been stuck at the “beggage chucken” for “sex hours” as their “beggage” was lost.

To pass the time the group had a few “sucks pecks” in the “earport” having “chucken fitter cheney” for lunch before they finally got their “beggage” and “pecked up and lift.” Afterwards they began talking about team “tic tacs” for an upcoming football match against the old “inner me”.

The “tic tacs” talk only lasted “tin meenutes” though. The “min” were not “iggs specting” a “duffy cult” game so spent most of the remainder of the time playing “nin tin dough.”

This appears to be referring to a  “nintendo” which appears to have been left there by the hotel’s previous occupants with its microphone accidentally left on.

BRAZIL WINS OLYMPIC GOLD, RETIRES FROM INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL

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Brazil claimed their first ever Olympic football gold medal with victory over Germany on penalties at Rio’s Maracana stadium. Olympic gold was the only major title to have escaped five-time world champions Brazil in their history.

Brazil subsequently decided that now was the right time to retire from international football. “It has been a great run – we’ve won everything there is to win. And now, with the Olympic gold, we can go out on top,” Brazil said. A proud football nation that has been competing on the world stage for a century, Brazil reflected on its accomplishments: “we’ve won the world cup five times, which is more than any other country. Plus we’ve won countless other titles and now the Olympic gold. It’s about time we let some other country win something.” Brazil paused, shedding a quiet tear, “we’re proud of all that we’ve done, we gave 110 percent. But it’s hard to keep up with the fresh legs – now it’s time to give some of the younger countries a go.” Brazil noted that although South Sudan is barely old enough to dribble, many young countries like Montenegro and Kosovo will surely be looking to take the top spot vacated by Brazil.

In retirement, Brazil is looking forward to spending more time with its family and having a bit more time on its hands. “We’re looking forward to sipping Caipirinhas on Copacabana but we’re just taking it one day at a time. Who knows what the future holds? Maybe Argentina might win something?” Brazil said, laughing.

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER A POTENTIAL FIFTH FORCE OF NATURE CALLED ‘THE FORCE’

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For some time, we have known of the four fundamental forces: gravitation, electromagnetism, and the strong and weak nuclear forces. Now a group of researchers in Hungary and the US believe they have found a new particle that hints at the presence of a new force in the universe.

Scientists have long been frustrated about where to even start to explain the existence of the dark side, the mysterious force that makes up 80% of the universe. Initially this group of researchers, formed from institutions across the galaxy, had made little headway trusting their feelings and intuition and being mindful of their thoughts. But in performing their research they successfully drew power from emotions such as fear, anger, hatred, and aggression. These emotions, they now believe, are hypothetical indicators of the mysterious dark side of the Force.

One of the group of researchers, Dr. Ben Kenobi believes the Force to be “an energy field created by all living beings.” Others though disagree as to the source of the Force, some believing that the force is caused by intelligent microscopic life forms called “midi-chlorians” that lived symbiotically inside the cells of all living things. Dr. Ben Kenobe was not impressed when discussing these claims, dismissing them as “non-canonical” science.

Although many scientists were taught to study the light side, the dark side is considered seductive and these scientists had to maintain vigilance in order to avoid falling into its trap. Frank Boz, who goes by the name “Yo Da”, has been studying the effects of the Force for centuries, warning “once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.” Sadly, Yo Da passed away shortly thereafter.

Garth Wader, possibly the most well-known practitioner of the dark side in the universe, tried to allay any fears about the new force: “I do not fear the dark side as you do. I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new empire.” When queried about what he meant, Mr. Wader simply replied: “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

 

RYAN LOCHTE APOLOGIZES: ‘I JUST WANT TO BE A REAL BOY’

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After spending years as an obnoxious fratbro, Ryan Lochte recently apologized on social media claiming he had a found a conscience and really just wants to be “a real boy.”

Ryan “the Michael Phelps if there was no Michael Phelps” Lochte had claimed that he and a group of fellow US swimmers had been robbed at a petrol station. But CCTV footage subsequently revealed it was all a concocted lie, showing the group had vandalized the petrol station after a night out partying.

Lochte, still struggling to deal with the heavy burden of his white privilege, spoke out on social media in an effort to recuperate his tarnished image. Lochte claims he spoke to a blue fairy who allegedly told him: “prove yourself brave, truthful and unselfish and someday you will be a real boy.” In speaking out in such a brave, truthful and unselfish manner Lochte had hoped his dream to be a real boy would one day finally come true.

With his straight-to-home-video star looks garnering him some media attention, his perennial fratboy behavior had many giving up on Lochte ever being a normal person. His typically juvenile antics were once again on show at the Olympics with enough peroxide in his hair to turn the pool in Rio green. Lochte, who prided himself on being second best at everything, also recently claimed he was happy to be the first back-up husband for Michael Phelps’ fiancee Nicole Johnson in case their marriage didn’t work out.

It would seem Lochte has some way to go before he actually is a real boy. But for now at least, he has a cricket named ‘Jiminy’ to keep him company.